Category Archives: Life, the Universe, & Febrile Rants

Comfort Foods

Is it a coincidence that the principal comfort foods start with the letter C?   Coffee, chocolate, cream buns, cake, cheese on toast (well it’s one of my comfort foods), chicken soup (the Jewish cure-all), etc, etc. Then look at the shape of the letter C itself, like arms about to hug you…

The written word has powers far beyond anything you can imagine 😀

Photo Lamp Problems

I’ve got an old Flectalux 1000W Photo Lamp that keeps blowing bulbs, and at £9.00 each it’s a bit expensive to replace it. Luckily I got three bulbs cheaply from eBay, which arrived this morning, but the instant I plugged one in it blew…

Damn! I decided to strip down the lamp to see if I could spot a problem, but nothing seemed wrong. Rather than throw it away I had a go at upgrading the cooling by remodelling the pitch of the fan, upping the voltage on the fan motor to make it run faster, and oiling all the bearings.
The lamp has been running on and off, soak testing for a few hours now, and the bulb is behaving perfectly with a much cooler lamp now too!

OK so it’s a creaky old model, but there’s life in the old dog yet – something like me! 🙂

Mystery Fence

Every time I drive past this field at Bryanston near Blandford Forum I wonder about the three bits of fence sitting in the middle of the field. What are they for? Why were they erected, or left when the rest of the fence was disassembled?
Can anyone put me out of my misery and give me the reason?

Seagull Fishing Rigs

It’s nearly two years since I last made any rigs for sale but this morning, only a couple of days since I said I’d been tying rigs for myself, I got an email asking whether my range of rigs had changed and what the new prices were.

Although it’s flattering that someone liked my rigs enough to keep hold of one of my catalogues for over two years I have to face reality and say that it’s uneconomical to buy my rigs these days as I no longer have my trade accounts and trade discounts on materials.  After saying that, they were bespoke rigs tied with the best materials so they could command a slightly higher than normal price.

What I may do though is create a page to help fishermen to DIY their own copies of my more popular rigs… Watch this space… 😀

Barnsley/Croatian to English Phrase Book

Has anyone got a Barnsley/Croatian to English Phrase Book I could borrow, please? I’m going up to South Yorkshire soon and last time I was up there I couldn’t understand a word the locals were speaking, especially the very embarrassing episode where I thought I was being asked by a man if I wanted my car washing but was actually being offered sex with his sister…

If it’s Friday then it must be Nettle Soup

An extract from my diary in 2011

When do villagers have time for anything beyond village life? Last week was a usual round of coffee, visits, socials, etc and this week we’ve had yet another busy spell as we lead up to Easter…

Last Thursday Sue and I spent a whole day baking bread rolls for the Friday Lent Lunch at the village church. If you’ve never attended one it’s a mixture of sermon, fund-raiser and social event. You don’t have to be a believer to attend (just as well for me as I’m semi pagan/atheist) as it’s nice just to listen to a different belief every now and again. The lunch was a simple but substantial affair – Nettle Soup, Bread Rolls and fresh, clean Water…. The last bit was important as the lunch was a fund-raiser to install wells and clean water systems in Third World Countries.

The next day our daughter Suzanne arrived requiring a dummy cake to be iced and a pair of dolls to be dressed as Prince William and Kate Middleton (for a Royal Wedding Window Display in her Chiropodist’s Clinic), Sunday was a “must go and see” day as the Palm Sunday service at the village church had a donkey leading the parade (and a lot of distinctly dodgy looking palm fronds) 😀

Monday we were back at the church for the weekly Coffee Morning and fund-raiser for the church restoration (our church is used as a village social centre rather than standing empty for days). Tuesday was a trip out of the village – to a neighbouring one for lunch! We have a village lunch club where some of the more senior and less mobile villagers are offered the chance to be whisked away for lunch in a decent pub. This week it was the Oak at Dewlish, a few miles away and purveyors of excellent food and local ales (and our local Cider “Rosies”, made just down the road from here 🙂 ).

Wednesday I was out doing my usual charity bits whilst Sue caught up on gardening and some gentle housework. Thursday was shopping and housework day and today we’re ready to start again – spending most of Friday baking for the local produce stall at the village St George’s Fair tomorrow 🙂

Who said that life in the country was quiet? 😀

The Scent of Spring

When you live deep in the countryside your senses soon get acquainted with all all the sounds and scents of rural living.

For instance two weeks ago we reveled in the sound of a machinery spraying the acrid, sinus-searing smell of pig muck for a couple of days. Today, as a build up to the magnificent symphony of Spring, we have the mechanical clacking noise of a muck-spreader and the sweet, warm scent of cow muck.

Both scents are an important part of country living and as such I love them both (I just wish the neighbouring field was downwind) 😀

Aren’t people’s tastes odd?

Recently I sold a painting at an exhibition in Shaftesbury, by no means the best painting I’ve ever done, and only entered into the exhibition as a “tongue in cheek” item.  It sold instantly, the first day of the exhibition 🙂

The same thing happened to me at an open exhibition in Poole.  I entered two pieces, one that I really liked and another I had kicking around so entered as a ‘semi-joke’ piece.  The one I thought of as rubbish sold the first day whereas the one I really liked didn’t sell 🙁

I can quote several more examples where I’ve sold really bad or ‘joke’ pieces and had to bring back home some works I class as good, so what is the problem.  Is it me as an artist that has a skewed view on what is “good” or is the public so out of touch with what makes decent art?

Frankly I don’t really care.  I’ve stopped worrying when a painting or photograph doesn’t sell, and don’t throw away anything I class as crap – someone, somewhere will eventually buy it 😀

Euromillions Winner!

I got an email from the Euromillions Lottery yesterday recommending that I check my account, always a sign of having won something…

With trembling fingers I logged in to find that in this massive £30 million rollover week I’d won – £2.90 🙁

Ah well, at least I won something…

Weymouth Law

I confess to being a little confused by British law.

In the Magistrate’s Court at Weymouth recently several people found guilty of assault by beating, theft, or criminal damage were punished by being given conditional discharges, community orders, and some had to pay expenses.

At the same court Magistrates found a large group of offenders guilty and fined them on average £400 with £90 costs… Their heinous crime – not having a TV license!

So if you want to be a criminal in Weymouth then be a thief, mugger, drug addict, etc, etc as they’re regarded as minor crimes… but whatever you do, don’t sink to the lowest levels of villainy and watch TV without a licence 🙂

David Bowie is dead…

Yes Bowie is dead.  So what?  Yes I loved his music, yes he was a true artist, but I also love the work of other living and dead artists too, so one more dead artist isn’t going to make me break down into uncontrollable expressions of grief.  He wasn’t a friend, I never met him except as one of thousands in an audience at one of his concerts so why should I be overly upset at his death?

Maybe it’s the medications I take but I’ve never understood why people publicly express grief and sorrow over people who are merely public figures, not close family or friends.  OK so someone you’ve seen on TV is dead, but is that a reason to go out littering a death scenes with bunches of flowers or fill social media with messages of sorrow?

OK so I’m a barely functioning psychopath so not able to empathise with people, but even so simple logic dictates that you shouldn’t be affected by the death of a stranger.  Thousands and thousands of people die every day, from starving babies to blown apart war victims, but I never see mass outpourings of grief for dead Tibetan monks illegally executed by the Chinese Authorities or dead children shot like rats in Brazilian slums….

Yes Bowie is dead.  The world of art may be poorer for it, but I won’t grieve!

Last-minute Xmas Shopping

Well, despite all the early Christmas shopping and the careful planning and preparation I had to go to Blandford in the pouring rain to buy some last minute items for tomorrow’s dinner. 🙁

Christmas cheer was not in evidence as people drove round and round in circles looking for a parking space and then fought their way through the gales and driving rain to stand in soggy queues outside shops or shove their way around supermarkets with overloaded shopping trolleys.

I only wanted milk and streaky bacon but still had to queue for ages at the “Express Checkout”, tut-tutting loudly as people in front of me ignored the “10 items or Less” instructions,

If we need anything else for the festivities then it’s hard luck as I’m not going beck to the hell-hole of pre-Christmas Blandford. I may be insane but I’m not daft enough to go back there shopping again… 😀

Age Discrimination Strikes…

I would never have classed Dorset as a hotbed of discrimination but for the last few days I’ve suffered from widespread and determined age discrimination… All I’ve wanted to do is visit Father Christmas in his Grotto, but everywhere I’ve been has refused me citing my age as a reason 🙁
Why? If I am prepared to believe in Father Christmas and pay a vast amount of money for a quick lap sit and a cheap toy then why deny me?
Really, I think they’re just jealous that I have a real beard and not a clip-on one 🙂

All I Want For Xmas…

Have you ever been behind one of those irritating drivers who brake every time a lorry goes past in the opposite direction? No? Just me then… I was stuck behind one this morning on the way to Blandford, and even dropping back to several car lengths behind didn’t save me having to brake frequently as the car in front jammed on their brakes at every big van and lorry passing 🙁

So if anyone is wondering what to get me for Christmas, I’d like a Car to Car Disintegrator Ray please (big enough to handle horse boxes too)  😉

Junk Mail

How come I can block junk calls to my phones, filter out junk emails to my account, but I can’t stop the Postman delivering tons of junk mail through my letterbox? 🙁

This morning I had twelve items of post and only one was non-junk (and that was from HM Revenue & Customs so slightly junkish – a tax summary and a nicely coloured chart showing me how the government had spent it!).

I want an almost empty maibox on a morning, not one overflowing with catalogues, charity appeals, cheap insurance offers, and free company newsletters. Not too much to ask for, is it? 🙁

First in the Queue

I’m rarely without a camera and enjoy the situations which street photography allows me to capture.  Take this image for example; the juxtaposition between the banner and the woman can be viewed in several ways, my original reason was humour – but as I look more and more at the image I get pathos, sadness and maybe even despair.

I too am “horizontally challenged” so can’t place myself on a pedestal as an example of the perfect form so if I laugh at the image then I’m probably laughing at myself 🙁

P.S. Yes I did ask permission of the model before taking this photograph.
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Naturally Careful or Camera Careful?

Now here’s an interesting topic; I’ve just been playing back the videos from my in-car video camera and either I’m a totally careful and considerate driver, or I’m conscious of the fact that my driving is being recorded so I’m being more considerate that normal.

The videos show me giving way to pedestrians (which I know I do), leaving big gaps between me and the car in front – no tailgating, you can hear the indicators at every junction, I’m braking well in advance, I’M A DRIVING GOD! 😀

I’m sure the last time I drove like that (except when I’ve a police car behind me) was back in my Fire Service Advanced Driving days when we had driving refresher courses every year, so what is it?  Has the camera made me more considerate, at least until I forget it’s there and recording me, or has my driving become “old fart mode” where I’m destined to drive slower and slower until I forget about fourth and fifth gears and pretend I’m in a horse and cart 😉

I suspect it’s the “old fart mode” kicking in as it’s years since I got a speeding ticket, I’ve even got a clean licence and that’s something I never had until a few years ago.

OK – time for a trilby, pipe and driving gloves on the Christmas List 😀

I’ve got Gout?

Just when I think life is going well it turns around and drops a load of manure all over me…

I’ve two excellent bottles of Vintage Port to drink and my Chiropodist daughter has just told me that my sore foot is actually GOUT!

Gout? Nobody suffers from Gout these days do they? Anyway I’ve been banned by “She-who-must-be-obeyed” from drinking until I can get to see a Doctor for confirmation and treatment. Even as an emergency, as this obviously is, I can’t get to see my Doctor until Monday morning…

Do you think I should go to the Accident and Emergency dept at Dorchester over the weekend instead of waiting?   It is a particularly fine Port, after all… 😀

UPDATE: It turns out that it wasn’t Gout, just bad Arthritis from too much walking in trainers instead of boots; so I’ve got my sore foot raised up on a stool and a glass of Port raised up in my hand 😀

Another New Toy

I’ve got another new toy to play with – an in-car video camera 🙂

After a few ‘near misses’ by idiot drivers I’ve decided I need more protection for insurance claims than other drivers’ honesty.

It’s going to be a two-edged sword however as it will also show if it’s my fault; I suppose it could suffer a catastrophic SD card failure just at the critical point 😀

A Trip to the Doctor’s

After another trip to the doctor’s I’ve got arms like pincushions from all the blood tests, I rattle from the amount of pills I have to take, and I’m still dying slowly.

All this preventative medicine they subject me to wouldn’t be so bad if it led to something, preferably youthful rejuvenation, but instead all it’s giving me is bruises on my arms making me look like an aging heroin addict who’s mainlining, and joy of joys, a warning that this latest pill I’ve been prescribed to boost my blood iron levels will make me feel sick and turn my stools black!

Isn’t it fun getting old and having a teenage-looking doctor with an evil sense of humour?  🙁

My New Toy

I bought myself a wonderful toy today, an electric Hedge Trimmer! Not one of these toy cordless things but instead a real, full-on, heavy-duty corded trimmer…

Now it may seem like a mundane thing to buy to you, but if you’ve never owned one before a Hedge Trimmer is a thing of magic and beauty.  I’ve already spent a hour or so effortlessly wafting the trimmer along the front of the overgrown hedge but sadly have been forced into the house by the growing darkness, not to stop trimming for the day entirely though as I’m planning tomorrow’s full campaign of loppers, trimmer, secateurs, and saw to bring the beast-hedge under my dominion at last…

Hedge – you will be neatly trimmed !!!

Skip Envy

As part of a general “empty the shed and tidy the garden” campaign I’ve hired a waste skip – 4 cubic yards of gloriously empty space ready for filling up.

Within minutes of the skip being delivered it had attracted a small crowd of men all anxious to share the glory of owning a skip.  Forget sports cars – a skip commands much more interest; “how big is it”, “how long have you got it for”, “where did you hire it from”, but nobody daring to ask the un-askable question… “can I put something in your skip”?

Eventually, as I started to fill the skip, people drifted away but not before giving assurances that they too would be hiring skips in the not too distant future.

Skip envy is a terrible (but funny) thing to see….. 🙂

Is it time to give up driving?

For many years as a driver I’ve held certain unshakable convictions, the most solid of which was that Audi, Mercedes, and BMW drivers never indicated at roundabouts or road junctions.  🙂

As a result, especially in Dorset where almost half the drivers are foreign tourists and the other half are in their dotage, I’ve had to develop a “sixth sense” about the direction other cars may be turning at junctions.  So imagine my shock today when, driving back from Blandford, a BMW actually stopped at a roundabout, indicated, and gave way to oncoming traffic….

The entire fabric of my driving world has been torn apart and now lies in tatters; my faith in reality is gone, replaced by a place where everything is veiled illusions and manic dreams where German-made car drivers obey the Highway Code 😮

There’s only one thing to do – give up driving, or buy a Lexus so rules of the road still don’t apply and I can be the one to never give way, and ignore the indicator stalk 😀

Tractors Good – Caravans Bad !!!

It’s the time of year when this part of Dorset grinds to a standstill from surplus traffic. I know tourists are essential to the local economy, but so is agriculture. Queues forming behind slow-moving tractors and trailers are perfectly normal this time of year and farmers try to pull into lay-bys where possible to allow the queuing traffic to pass – not so with bloody caravans!

Why do caravan drivers insist on driving slowly down “picturesque” narrow lanes without realising that:
A) nobody can overtake them (and they never pull into passing points no matter how much traffic is behind them), and
B) any approaching traffic is forced to reverse hundreds of yards to passing points because the incompetent caravan towees cannot even reverse a few feet back to a passing point that’s just behind them. They’re nearly as bad a horse-box drivers in that respect but at least caravan towees don’t reverse because they can’t, horse-box drivers don’t because they won’t 🙁

Normally I don’t take to the roads much during August but whilst Sue has been in hospital I’ve had to make regular runs to Dorchester every day. A drive which normally takes me only 20 minutes is now taking about an hour of waiting in queues, not being able to see if the traffic is moving at all because I’m usually behind a bloody caravan blocking out all my view of the road ahead. If I’m lucky enough to overtake one on the dual-carriageway bit of the A35 there usually a convoy of caravans, mobile homes, and cars festooned in cycles and roof boxes over the hill, all heading lemming-like for the sea, and all creating an impossible to pass blockade.

Give me a road full of local, considerate tractor drivers any day…

Is Stupidity a Disability?

I often spend time sitting in my car in Disabled Parking areas whilst Sue goes shopping. As an acute observer of human behavior I’m drawn to the actions of other drivers in the Disabled area and the first thing I always notice is that very few of the other car occupants are actually disabled. They’re often grossly overweight or terminally moronic – but is this a disability? 🙁 Continue reading

“Exercise is good for you”?

As a reversal of my earlier post – which idiot said “Exercise is good for you”?

I’ve been exercising today doing the gardening and I kept having sweats, hot flushes, aching muscles and joints, raised temperature, increased breathing rate, etc which only went away when I sat down to rest.

So exercise gives you influenza-like symptoms, but resting removes them 😮

Sounds to me like exercise is dangerous and sitting down is good. I think I’m duty-bound, for my own health, to sit down as often, and for as long, as possible 😀

Not all dead people were saints!

I feel like a rant – Why don’t nasty people die? I’m forever reading about how this person or that person who’s just died was a really wonderful, loving person. Why were they never mean, nasty buggers that deserved to die?

I once read in a local South Yorkshire newspaper about a “warm, loving, generous man” who’d just been murdered. They forgot to mention that he was a heroin addict, serial shoplifter, arsonist, mugger, and had been beaten to death by his shoplifting mates after ‘grassing’ on them all after I arrested him…

Just once I’d like people and newspapers to be honest – not all dead people were saints, some of them were real villains and the world is a better place without them!

An exciting parcel came in the post today

An exciting parcel came in the post today – a brand spanking new #4 weight fly rod from one of my many admirers. Actually it was a competition prize, but it’s more or less the same thing – somebody loved me enough to send me a new rod.
All I need now is to get out the vice and top up my fly box, and then get a new pair of waders, as the mice chewed holes in my old pair when they were hung up in the garage 🙁
New rod, new flies, new waders, and big old fat trout hopefully 😀
P.S. And maybe a few pike and perch on a heavier rod too – and no, it was the waders hung in the garage, not the mice… 🙂

Who says exercise doesn’t do you good?

Who says exercise doesn’t do you good? My daughter brought an exercise bike over to help me get fit and excercise my joints, as the arthritis was slowly winning the battle of my hips.  🙁
An interesting side effect though has been my seriously high blood pressure which was checked today by one of our surgery’s Health Care Assistants and found to be a mere 116 over 74 – as near as perfect as I’ve had for years 🙂
Here’s to a few more hundreds of kilometers pedalled on the maximum setting 😀


Nope – I’m still insane 🙁

I’ve just come back from the mental health unit with yet another prescription and short period appointment date 🙁 I think it’s because I complained about the horrible muzak playing in the waiting room which they say has been especially selected to calm people.
Calm? It drives me to distraction. I want to kill the stupid Clayderman-type pianist and smash his piano…
On reflection… Perhaps that isn’t an entirely sane reaction 🙂


I don’t notice the birdsong around here any more as it’s a constant accompaniment to my life, I only notice it’s absence, such as when a hawk is overhead.

However there is one bird I hear which gives me more joy than any other; no not the Sparrows nesting above my window, though I do dearly love them – no the bird sound which brings me the most joy is that of the Woodpecker echoing around the garden.
I never heard them in Yorkshire, so to me the Woodpecker is fairly symbolic of this bit of rural Dorset, and it’s beautiful too – a bit like me 😀


Even though the “Day of National Rejoicing” is still five days away (28th) I’ve just had a mystery parcel delivered which I assume is a birthday pressie 🙂

My birthday coincides with Stoat Wobbling Day this year so it should be doubly fun compared to previous years. Remember the traditional cry of “Stoaty, Stoaty, Mr Stoat. Wibbly, Wobbly, Wob”. Always one of my favourite festivals is Stoat Wobbling Day 😀
Anyway, go ahead and prepare your street parties, banquets, festivals, tributes, etc and as “Guest of Honour” I’ll visit as many as I can 😉


Damn arthritis!!! My bloody shoulder has been giving me hell the last few days and it’s not even the one I broke 🙁 Despite filling myself with port and painkillers it woke me at 4:00am and I haven’t been able to get comfortable since.

My advice – live fast, live hard, and don’t get old…. 🙂

I’m a happy Martyn!

I finally got a warp threaded on the floor loom yesterday so have started a bit of huck lace on it.

The total rebuilding of the loom over Christmas has made a huge difference to it’s action. It’s far smoother and faster now, and the shed (the gap between the raised and lowered threads) is much wider. 🙂

I knew something was wrong with the way the loom had been constructed before I stripped it down, and it took a lot of research, experimenting, and frustration to get it right – but it was all worth it.  Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so stubborn and would go for lessons to learn how to do things when I was struggling – but hey, I’m a male 😀

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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

To me it’s a thing of beauty – a warp fully threaded and tensioned on the loom ready for weaving. There’s more hours than you’d think gone into creating that sight too, especially as the first time I did it I got the threading slightly wrong and had to pull it all out and start again 🙁

That’s what comes of not paying attention to your threading plan 😀

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2014 and all that jazz…

So should I do a review of my 2014 or not? (incidentally my old English teacher told me never to start a sentence with either “and, so, or but”).

OK, I may do a “quickie” one…

  • Bought a loom
  • Learned to weave
  • Built a studio
  • Learned to paint
  • Bought a bigger loom
  • Learned to weave bigger things

Everything else?  Same as it was in 2013 – end of review 😆

Thank you Santa

I’ve been careful not to overeat this Christmas and make myself ill as a result… I needn’t have bothered as I feel really ill anyway – not from eating, as I’ve not had much food, but one of those head & muscle aches, shivers, sore throat, dry cough illnesses – hard to define, but generally making me feel bleugh… 🙁
Thank you Santa!

Strange Sensations

It’s a day full of strange new sensations and I’m not 100% sure if I’m comfortable with them 🙁 The reason? Sue has bought me some new undies! Why she decided I needed a change of style I’m not sure, and she has a different idea of male anatomy support to me, but I’ll give them a fair try.

But the acid test will be a curry dayafter 😉 Will they cope with the chemical-laden gales?

I’ll let you all know 😀

Lucifer Hates Me…

It’s taking longer to restring my countermarch floor loom (Lucifer) than it does to weave an entire garment. I keep thinking I’ve mastered it, and then a glaring error becomes obvious…

Naturally, it’s such a rare loom than unlike almost every other type of loom, there’s nothing on the Internet to tell me how to do it – it’s all trial and error :( Hopefully it will be less of a botch job than the last person to restring it did…  :(

Valentine Gallery

I forgot to mention that, yesterday we went to have a look at the occasional exhibition by the Bryanston School teachers in Valentine Gallery, Blandford. Once again there were some really nice pieces, a few of which I could have happily seen on my walls. A range of styles and techniques kept us interested, especially a couple of intriguing Oils which neither Sue or I could agree how exactly they were created.

It was definitely worth the visit, but if you’re now thinking of wandering over for a look, sorry but yesterday was the final day of the exhibition 🙁

Ho Ho Ho!

IMG_3459 -1Damn! It’s that time again when I have to pretend that I’m all jolly and nice 🙁 So here’s my seasonal greeting:

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practised within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practise their own religion as well as those who choose not to practise a religion at all.

Additionally, a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2015, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, colour, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.

(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)

Mr Boggo Lives

Many years ago I had a cartoon character which I illustrated called Mr Boggo.  I’d more or less forgotten all about him until recently when my wife started digging through some of the old magazines and newspapers in my archives and saw the character.

As I’d always had a bit of a soft spot for him I decided to revive him again, but this time in paint rather than cartoons.  Here are some of the results of the (ongoing) series…

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Pheasant Suicide

The lanes and hedgerows are full of Pheasant this morning, and none of them has an ounce of road sense or hedge sense between them.

I know they’ve only got to survive a few days, just long enough to be worth shooting, but you’d think chick breeders would set up some sort of preparatory school for aspiring gun fodder. If they taught them about road safety, perhaps by setting up video screen in the breeding pens that randomly lit up showing pictures of cars and loud engine noises to scare the chicks, there’d be more of the left for shooting 😀

After three near collisions, between the birds and my car’s radiator grille already today, I’m a nervous wreck and have an overwhelming desire for a roast Pheasant dinner… Hmm, who do I contact to patent a new pheasant-training device I wonder 😀